Tell a Tale of Cock & Bull

Mikado "Little List" Lyrics

All of us at Lamplighters would like to thank each and every one of you who came out to see The Mikado. So many of you came, despite having doubts about the resetting, and we truly appreciate your faith in us and your support. Many of you have also asked for the lyrics to "As some day it may happen", Coco's "little list" song so here they are!

As some day it may happen

(as performed in the Lamplighters’ “New Mikado” August 2016)

1. As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
    I’ve got a little list—I’ve got a little list
    Of society offenders who might well be underground,
    And who never would be missed—who never would be missed.
    There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs—
    All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs—
    All children who are up in dates and floor you with ’em flat—
    All persons who in shaking hands shake hands with you like that—
    And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist—
    They’d none of them be missed—they’d none of them be missed.
             Chorus. He’s got ’em on the list—he’s got ’em on the list,
             And they’ll none of ’em be missed—they’ll none of them be missed.

2. The self-righteous Prius driver with his fifty M.P.G.,
    And the urban bicyclist—I’ve got them on the list—
    And who goes first at four-way stops? Why me, me, me, me, ME!
    The traffic anarchist—he never would be missed.
    Or the cultural appropriators putting on a show
    Who use exotic countries as a way to make some dough,
    And the dinner guest announcing that she’s vegan, gluten-free,
    Just as you serve Beef Wellington, your gourmet specialty.
    She nibbles at a radish, gastronomic terrorist—
    I don’t think she’ll be missed—I’m sure she’ll not be missed.
             Chorus. He’s got her on the list—he’s got her on the list,
             And I don’t think she’ll be missed, I’m sure she’ll not be missed.

3. The idiot chasing Pokémon who walks right into you—
    The phone clutched in her fist—I’m sure she won’t be missed,
    And the fool who voted BREXIT and then googled “What’s EU?”
    Unthinking sep’ratist—I’ve got him on the list.
    And millennials who really want us all to “feel the Bern,”
    But now refuse to vote at all—democracy they’ll spurn!
    And that ranting demagogue, the xenophobic billionaire—
    (I’m sure you know the one I mean—the ego with the hair).
    But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
    For they’d none of ’em be missed—they’d none of ’em be missed!
             Chorus. You may put ’em on the list—you may put ’em on the list,
             And they’ll none of ’em be missed—they’ll none of them be missed!

On Plank-Walking as an (Honorary) Walk-On Lamplighter

                                                                                           - by Ron Oremland

Have you ever been “bitten-by-the-bug”… that theatrical “itch” that needs to be scratched? Not me. Never. Well, hardly ever. As a kid I horsed around with my brothers, imitating soldiers and pirates. But that was it… until one day in 1974 something happened at graduate school. I was walking on campus when I was asked to audition for the role of Tevye in Tevye and His Daughters. All it took for me to agree was one glance at the pretty ladies already in the cast, and I was reeled in.

In 1976 I headed out to California and, finding theater a great way to establish a social network, was cast in a couple of productions put on by the emergent Theatreworks in Palo Alto. But it wasn’t long before I realized that I lacked the energy to pursue both a burgeoning career alongside a theatrical hobby. One of them had to go, and the former paid my salary. The enveloping tendrils of approaching middle age had caught up with me, and that theatrical bug had been firmly quashed. Or (ahem) so I thought.

My wife Fran and I began attending Lamplighter shows on a regular basis. At a fundraising gala I took the plunge, bid on and “won” a voice lesson offered by Jane Hammett. We chatted a lot about Lamplighters’ unique friendly quality, something referred to in Yiddish as “hamish.” This prompted me at the next gala to bid on a walk-on role in The Pirates of Penzance. After all, whether young or old, I have always enjoyed pirate-speak.

I was only needed at a couple of rehearsals but they were fun! As was getting fit for my costume by Miriam Lewis, and the wonderful good cheer and comradery of the entire troupe: actors, director, tech support, wardrobe, makeup, etc. and how they all pulled together somehow to make the magic happen. On my big day I was coached by one of the chorus pirates who whispered cue-prompts for me to hit my marks on time. Afterwards, at the meet-and-greet, I gleefully embraced my wife and was cheered by several of my friends as well as delighted patrons… an exhilarating moment for sure, regardless of my small part in it all.

Still enjoying the memory of the Pirates walk-on, I won another bid for the production of Candide. It took some time before I learned just what the new walk-on entailed, and it wasn’t pretty. I was to be burned at the stake by the Portuguese Inquisition as a suspected heretic, all as an explanation for receiving Heaven’s wrath in the form of the Lisbon earthquake. Sure, it all made perfect sense in Voltaire’s mind and was pertinent to the play, so I soldiered on. All in all it was an enjoyable experience but definitely not as much fun for me as was being a pirate.

At last year’s gala, however, there was a announcement: an auction for a walk-on as a pirate appearing in the gala’s second act!! Wow!! I raised my hand, but was immediately trumped by a guy in the seat directly behind me. A short bidding war ensued until the financial pain grew too great for me to bear. I conceded to let this guy have his moment. We saw him gallivanting around the champagne reception afterwards, still fully costumed, imbibing champagne and wearing an ear-to-ear grin behind his full and naturally piratical beard. Life sometimes is just not fair!

I was determined not to be outbid again should Lamplighters ever offer an appropriate opportunity. It came at this past spring fundraiser for a walk-on in The Mikado. Now any role in that piece had to be just as good as a pirate, so once again I raised my hand in bidding, which quickly grew frenzied as a woman from the other side of the room countered and upped the ante. After a few moments it hit the rarified upper troposphere and Jim called a halt and offered a compromise: he handed out a walk-on to each party at different geographic venues. I left the reception considerably poorer but still smiling knowing my hard-earned lucre went to a good cause (indulging my affliction) as well as the minor side issue of helping to keep the Lamplighters financially solvent.

The (New) Mikado was extraordinarily well received, and I won’t recount its rave reviews, although it probably could have been even a tad better if I was cast as a pirate. But given that pirates, along with pocket handkerchiefs, were not a common sight in Renaissance Milan, I made do with the role of a commoner, and truly had a fabulous time. It was the most enjoyable of the three walk-ons I have partaken in. With my bucket list now firmly checked off in the theatrical category, I can happily relinquish this mantle to another bidder at this fall’s Gala. I heartily recommend Lamplighter walk-ons as an uplifting spiritual tonic to any patron and urge you to go and bid: it’s fun, easy, and really helps the Lamplighters.

Unless, of course there is a role for a pirate offered… or maybe a headsman… beefeater… gondolier… sailor… rabbi???

A Night at the Mint, or, The Great Heist Caper Affair... Thing - Update

Our Gala ball is rolling. We've had our first read-through, the photo shoot is tonight and rehearsals start very soon! We're still casting the show but have a great team so far and we're excited to see what evolves!

An unlikely crew of misfit criminal specialists plan to steal the one-of-a-kind Bazillion Dollar Coin from the Museum of Money at San Francisco’s Old Mint. And security guard Penny Lincoln thought she had enough on her hands already, with a horde of nerdy coin-collecting enthusiasts in for an all-night event. With the help of some strange exhibits that come to life after dark, can Penny protect the coin – and the economic future of the nation – from disaster?

Lamplighters Music Theatre present this full-length original satire, set (mostly) to the music of Sir Arthur Sullivan with a nod to W.S. Gilbert. You'll also have the opportunity to support the Lamplighters at the silent auction, raffle and fund-a-need live auction, and to join the costumed performers after the show for the champagne reception. Don't miss this quintessential Lamplighter art form!

Silent auction at 3pm, Performance at 4pm

Mountain View Performing Arts Center, Mountain View

Tickets: 650-903-6000 or

Sunday November 6, 4pm

Herbst Theatre, San Francisco
Tickets: 415-392-4400 or

Sunday November 13, 4pm

Auditions this Weekend

We are currently casting for Gilbert & Sullivan's Patience. Audition dates are this Thursday and Friday evening plus Saturday afternoon. If you'd like to sign up please do so now, otherwise we will keep you posted on the cast!

Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, San Francisco
Tickets: 415-978-2787 or

Friday February 3, 8pm
Saturday February 4, 2pm & 8pm
Sunday February 5, 2pm

Lesher Center for the Arts, Walnut Creek
Tickets: 925-943-7469 or

Friday February 10, 8pm
Saturday February 11, 2pm
Sunday February 12, 2pm

Mountain View Performing Arts Center, Mountain View
Tickets: 650-903-6000 or

Saturday February 18, 8pm
Sunday February 19, 2pm